How My Childhood Trauma Still Shows Up In My Relationship

And why it's ok

Good Evening Beautiful Loves,

Today I want to share something vulnerable about my own journey and relationship to help you see that healing and growth are a continuum and much messier than we might want to believe or acknowledge.

I have done a lot of thorough cleaning out of my insides over the past 15 years and when I met Drew I was at a place of great peace. I had created a life I loved, had purpose, and had come to a deep acceptance of myself. In fact, I genuinely cherished myself.

So when Drew came along, I wasn’t desperate to get into a relationship and there was no void to fill. I had told my friend Todd weeks before meeting Drew, that whoever I next got into relationship was going to have to be an exceptional human because I just wasn’t going to give up this blissful life I had created with myself for just anyone. He would have to offer me something better than what I had. And I remember thinking to myself: good luck buddy!

Fast forward to a few months into our relationship, when I was 100% at ease with him and really allowed him to see the ‘full’ me…things began to get really vulnerable, as they should in healthy relationships.

One day I showed him a part of myself that I had, at some point in the past, deemed unlovable or unattractive - I think I got very angry about something (God forbid that a healthy woman ever get angry or express anger…) - and after I calmed myself down and returned to my usual calm self, I turned to him and with my head lowered and eyes looking intently at the ground, I asked him: “You still love me?”

I asked him this question again when he fully explored my body in the bright light of day and became aware of all the details I deemed ‘imperfections.’ Before that I had only ever let him make love to me in the dark.

I asked him this question again when